Martini, Anyone?

I thought this was pretty cool :)
(*I've actually done some of these)

Many uses for Vodka:

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandagewith vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers,fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking,let set 5 minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodkakills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with asoft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in thevodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka andletting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol aftershaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush,then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as anastringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a splash of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo.The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a 16-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spraybees or wasps to kill them.
9. Pour 1/2 cup vodka and 1/2 cup water in a freezer bagand freeze for a slushy, reusable ice pack for aches,pain or black eyes...
10. Fill a clean, empty jar with freshly packed lavender flowers. Fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly, andset it in the sun for 3 days. Strain liquid, then apply thetincture to aches and pains.
11. Make your own mouthwas by mixing 9 tablespoonspowered cinnamon with 1 cup vodka. Seal in an airtightcontainer for 2 weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mixwith warm water and rinse your mouth. (DON'T SWALLOW!)
12. Using a cotton swab, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
13. If blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anestheic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
14. To treat dandruff, mix 1 cup vodka with 2 teaspoons crushed rosemary. Let sit 2 days, strain through a coffee filter, massage into your scalp and dry.
15. To treat an earache, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let sit for a few minutes, then drain. Vodka will kill the bacteria causing pain in your ear.
16. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.
17. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
18. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
19. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy toremove the urushiol oil from your skin.
20. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain. And, my personal favorite...
21. If all else fails, just turn the bottle upside-downand drink it.

Then nothing else will matter anyway!

Grumpy, Dopey,Happy

I was looking over my blog today and realized that it's just been full of quizzes and jokes.
I haven't posted anything of real substance in awhile.
I just haven't had anything to say.
Until now.

I got some really bad news about a family member. It has really upset me.
I've never blogged about this particular situation, so it's hard to start now. It would be quite lengthy anyway, not sure I could hold your attention for that long.

I'm so torn on this matter. I feel so selfish for being so upset about how this is affecting me, and not as much how it's affecting them. Someone is devastated right now. Crushed.
I can't be there for them. I can't do anything. I can't even talk about it.
Very few people know this part of my life, so it's hard to share it. I hate this feeling :(

This will pass of course. It's life and I will accept it.
But it sucks. And it makes me grumpy. Which leads to dopey.
But then, I'll be back to happy again :)

It's interesting. I lead a pretty routine life. Which you all know.
Pretty basic, pretty boring sometimes.
Then with Laura's post the other day, and then this recent news...It's been an emotional week.

So..I need a little Calgon.
A little Jose Cuervo.
And some of those Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses.

And I'll be fine :)

A Different Mindset

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do.

Here are some more of his thoughts:-

*I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.-
*Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.-
*Half the people you know are below average.-
*99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.-
*42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.-
*A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.-
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.-
*If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.-
*All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.-
*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.-
*I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.-
*OK, so what's the speed of dark?-
*How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?-
*If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.-
*Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.-
*When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.-
*Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.-
*Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.-
*I intend to live forever - so far, so good.-
*If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?-
*Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.-
*What happens if you get scared half to death twice?-
*My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."-
*Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?-
*If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.-
*A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.-
*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.-
*The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.-
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.-
*The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard-
*The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.-
*The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.-
*Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film

Letter to a Friend

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling.
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect evening cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

*1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am.
*2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a hot dog with chili, coupled with pickles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheetos and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time.
*3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door open.
*4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop.

Now, I know a little penance for my previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of cheetos, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.

Come on now, it's only fair-- you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

It's December?

It's 3am. I can't sleep. So I'm just going to bug all of you :)
We're finally getting into double digits during the day. It's amazing how good 20 degrees feels after dealing with 5 below. Guess I can put the jackets away!
I haven't even begun to decorate for Christmas, now I'm wondering if it's just too late. I did have the lights out and played with them a bit, but as of now they are still sitting on the kitchen counter. Oh, the cats played with them a bit. They are a big help when dealing with lights and garland.
This month so far has felt like a whirlwind, I keep forgetting that it's even December. Quite a few things have changed for me lately, some good/some not-so-good...it's kind of a blur.
I've had new people enter my life lately, and I've had some leave too. It's wierd to have such happiness and sadness all in one swoop. Strange emotions to deal with.

I had expected family for Christmas, but that has changed. I usually decorate for me anyway, but with me being the only one here mostly for the holidays, it seems pointless.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not being humbug or anything like that, just not sure if I want to start digging through decorations, just to put them back up in two weeks. Also, this will be Critter's (see photo) first experience with decorations and trees and I'm sure it will be quite the fight to keep everything decorated. He's the nosiest thing I've ever seen.
He.must.know.what.I'm.doing.at.all.times.

-I did get Christmas cards out, that was an achievement.
-The berries are thawing now to start making jam.
-I have been taking photos, just need to download.
-Deer hunting season is over (yay) but then it moved right into mountain lion season (ick).
-The pond is frozen solid. Or at least solid enough for Brock to run across it. It's always scary that first time he runs onto the pond. Of course it would be me that would have to try to get him out. And as ya'll know, I'd be alone :)
-Funny thing, all my little Texas cats don't want to go outside now.
-Actually, even the Montana cats don't want to stay outside.

I really really want to see The Chronicles of Narnia! I've heard such great reviews.
Any of you want to build a movie theater near me? I'd be very grateful....

Okay, enough of the meandering babble....
Oh and ya'll do know the previous post is a joke, right?
I haven't worn a bra on my head in years. :)

Puns-O-Fun

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy
8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Dog Rules

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short,hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all thetime, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need agazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.